Two In A Row? DOUBLE WHAMMY!!!

Hello, readers. I feel that the only way to atone for my absence is to whip out another review today. Therefore, I will be reviewing High Tension. It's a French movie made by a French guy (Alexandre Aja) so I watched it with English subtitles. Even so, it's a fantastic movie. Basically, these two French college ladies, Alex and Marie, go to a somewhat remote area of Southern France to study for some big exams. When they arrive at the farm where Alex's parents live, the first day goes well. That night, however, an intruder with a straight razor just walks in (not through the window, though). This commences a terrifying night and a bloodbath ensues. After the massacre of Alex's family (including a little kid), Alex is kidnapped, and Marie is all alone, trying to figure out what to do. She pursues the fat man, and one gas station clerk is killed. The movie lives up to the title. I often found myself on the edge of my couch during some scenes. A must-see for anyone who likes modern horror cinema.

8.5/10

Heeeeere's Johnny!



Hello...



Hello, everyone. I guess it's about time to do another review. Today I present to you a review of an undeniably great horror film. You can probably guess from the post title that it is The Shining. This is one of Stanley Kubrick's movies that I can watch more than once in a single day. It's about a writer named Jack Torrance who gets a job as caretaker of the Overlook Hotel. Him, his wife, Wendy, and his kid, Danny, are all set to spend the winter there. However, after so long, bad things begin to occur, and true horror sets in (in the form of a man dressed up as a dog/pig/bear/thing). For those of you who don't know, this is based on a book by Stephen King, who is known as the "Master of Horror". I'd also like to add "and Weird Stuff" to that title, but I suppose "Master of Horror" flows better. The fact that the whole movie takes place in a practically empty hotel helps magnify the senses of isolation and hopelessness. The whole movie is tense and surreal. All of the actors were impressive in this movie. Even the kid who played Danny wasn't an annoying pest like most child stars. This movie's greatness cannot be contained in this blog post. Therefore, a more in-depth review will be supplied here.

10/10

This Movie Is Wonderful.

Hello, everyone. It's been a while. I'd like to return with a review of a silly, yet great movie. Some of you may be familiar with the film Killer Klowns From Outer Space. For those of you who aren't, you're in luck, as I will review it for you. The film starts in the fictional town of Crescent Cove. It's an average town, but then a shooting star crashes in the woods, and our heroes, Mike Tobacco and Debbie Stone, go to check it out. Instead of shooting star stuff, they find a circus tent. They go inside, and it's a vast and colorful interplanetary vessel. They walk around in it, and find a room in which cotton candy is hung from hooks. To their horror, however, the cotton candy pods contain human corpses. They are then chased away by homocidal clowns, or aliens that look like clowns, or something like that. While being chased, they are shot at with popcorn, and chased by a balloon dog, among other things. Why such silly killing methods? Because they're clowns. Anyway, the heroes narrowly escape and tell their story to Officer Hansen who, naturally, doesn't believe it. They're finally able to convince him to check it out, and he's amazed. Meanwhile, back at the ranch the clown army has stormed the city, putting everyone in their cotton candy death bags. Fortunately, the Terenzi brothers, who drive an ice cream truck with a giant talking robotic clown head on top, are able to control the clowns for about two minutes with "The Great Jojo" which saves the heroes some time and allows them to live so they can fight Klownzilla, a giant clown. They kill Klownzilla, blow up the circus tent/spaceship and everyone seems to live happily ever after. Except for the over 100 people who died. This is a fantastic movie that is absolutely ridiculous and should be watched with a group of friends. Now this actually does have some mildly scary parts, so be aware of that. Despite that, I love this movie, it's great.

9/10

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cXLGUthofto

'Twas fortold this would be worth the expensive third dimension.

Hey, readers. What's up? I'm pretty sure you've heard of the somewhat new movie Legend of the Guardians: the Owls of Ga'Hoole. Well, I saw it with my pop a while ago, and we both agree, it's good. We saw it in 3D, which didn't necessarily make it punch you in the face with animation, but it did add incredible depth. That alone can make this worth seeing. Enough about the animation, on to the movie. This movie is about a barn owl, Soren, who is kidnapped with his brother Kludd by some other owls. Those other owls take them to a place to work for Metal Beak, the enemy of the Guardians mentioned in the title. However, Soren and an elf owl, Gylfie, are able to escape slave labor and are secretly taught to fly by Grimble, an owl that's also forced to work for Metal Beak. However, lessons are interrupted by the Pure Ones, some evil owls armed with metal claws that work for Metal Beak. Soren and Gylfie are able to escape and head for the legendary tree of Ga'Hoole, which is where the Guardians live. Before they get there, they meet two other owls, Twilight, a warrior/poet who is awesome and plays the lute, and Digger, an owl who tells owl jokes. Both of their families were killed by Pure Ones, so they're alone. The four of them leave for Ga'Hoole, and when they get there, they alert the Guardians of Metal Beak and his jerkiness. Now you may be wondering what happened to Kludd. I really think you should see the movie to find out. Anyway, the good owls go and attack Metal Beak, and peace is restored and all that other good stuff. In short: this movie was totally worth it.

9/10

Prawns. Prawns everywhere.



Hello, readers. According to the polls, it's time for me to review District 9. This movie is awesome. This is an alien movie with an anti-apartheid message. Oh, and if you're wondering what apartheid is, it's the segregation of blacks and whites in South Africa until 1994. This movie is filmed in documentary form, using archived news footage and other things to tell the story of aliens whose ship breaks down above Johannesburg. The humans give the aliens a place to stay, but conditions are bad and the aliens have very little rights. As if things weren't bad enough in South Africa, the aliens (known as "prawns", because they look like prawns) make other people afraid, so there's more violence. Then, a government agency known as MNU, which is this movie's equivalent of the UN, starts evicting the prawns to District 9. The evictions are carried out by our main character/jerk, Wikus van de Merve, who finds prawn weapons that only work under prawn control. Christopher Johnson, a prawn, makes a canister of black liquid which explodes all over poor Wikus' face. Later, Wikus experiences a slow and gruesome transformation into a prawn. MNU uses him for weapons testing, which is a miserable existence. Lots of action ensues, and MNU agents get messed up. And since Wikus has been transforming, his transformation has progressed to stage hurry-up-and-get-that-bucket-over-there-BLAGHA.

This movie was really good. The public library should actually get credit for having this. In other words, if you haven't seen it, go "rent" it for free!

My score: 9/10





1984 was the most 80's year ever, apparently.

This man has clearly seen
something worth celebrating.

 

Hey guys, guess what? I'm going to review a movie that defines a large part of the 80s. You want to take a guess? If you said Breakin', you're obviously a time traveler who already read this and your guess doesn't count. First of all, let me just say that I like this movie a lot. Almost everything you've heard about or remember from the 80's is here in this movie. Awesome clothes, leg warmers, incredible breakdancing, leg warmers, and a dancing Jean-Claude Van Damme. This movie is about a jazz dancer, Kelly, who meets two breakdancers, Turbo and Ozone, who show her the awesome world of breakdancing. She gets breakdancing training from them and witnesses their feud with the crew Electro Rock, led by Poppin' Taco. Kelly becomes friends with Turbo and Ozone and everything seems pretty cool. But trouble comes up when Kelly's snobby dance instructor, Franco, has problems with Kelly's hybrid dancing style. However, popping and locking ensues and Franco is served. This isn't the kind of Academy Award winning film that has a deep message and stuff. The basic message is, "BREAKDANCING IS COOL!" This movie is known for it's dance scenes, like the battles between crews, Turbo's incredible broom dance, and more. This is a really fun movie and if you are like me in the fact that you appreciate breakdancing for being awesome, then you will love this movie. And if you want to delve deeper into hip hop culture, Beat Street is the movie for you. I got to give props  to my father of course, for recommending it. Thanks, Pop.

My score: 7.5/10
However, if you rate movies based on how "80's" they are, then it's like, 1984/1984.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0pKV4UOvgb8

I believe it was Socrates that said "Έχω ένα υπέροχο μούσι."

I have a wonderful beard.
Greetings ladies and gentlemen and Travis. Today I shall review The Last Exorcism. As you may have noticed, this was posted on a Tuesday, not a Wednesday. This is due to the requests I have been bombarded with since I considered reviewing it.

This is the tale of a pastor from Louisiana named Cotton, who has lost his faith in the power of exorcisms, believing them to be a psychological treatment as opposed to a religious thing. He gets an urgent request from a guy begging him to exorcise his daughter. Cotton accepts the request, and a film crew follows him to witness the exorcism.  At first, it gets eerie when things happen, but Cotton provides a logical explanation for everything. After that, it gets scary. The girl begins to do more unnatural things, and it is revealed that she is possessed by the demon Abalam, servant of Paimon, a king of Hell. They all get into a bunch of crazy shenanigans and end up at a cult meeting. Just like other movies before it, the movie is shot on a less expensive camera. Unlike some cheap camera movies, this one didn't make me dizzy. This movie was cool and I highly recommend it.

8/10



Now, here are some pictures.

An exorcism done right.



"I cannot believe that you got cat blood all over your nice clothes!"
"Don't fold yourself in half like that or you'll be stuck that way!"




 



http://www.angryalien.com/0204/exorcistbunnies.html



The guy dies at the end.

I have a competition for you, readers. Over the weekend, I watched a movie where the guy dies at the end. It got me thinking. A lot of movies end that way. Your job is to leave a comment about a movie you like where the guy dies at the end. Write a synopsis, don't forget to include in the synopsis the fact that the guy dies at the end. I will give you an example using a fake movie. You'll have to use a real one.

My movie is One Flew Over the Salesman's Death. It is a crossover between the play Death of a Salesman and the book One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. It stars Wesley Snipes as Willy Loman, a senile salesman/ black ops agent who is sent to a psych ward in Oregon. When he gets there, he meets R.P. McMurphy, a former demolitions expert, played by Ving Rhames. The two of them get into some action packed adventures and rebel against the Big Nurse, played by Danny Trejo. I like this movie a lot.

P.S. The guys die at the end.



Twilight ain't got nothing on this!



I knew I was going to have to do this sooner or later.

What's up, guys? I'm going to review a movie at the request of some people (you know who you are). Can you guess which one? If you guessed Twilight, you're right (and probably a girl). Get ready, because I'm about to dislike this movie until it cries.

Alright, in the movie Twilight, a girl named Bella Swan moves to Forks, Oregon Washington. For some reason, everything there is grey. She hates it there until she meets a dude named Cedric Diggory Edward Cullen. Edward is mysterious and lonely, which in this movie apparently makes you attractive, whereas in the real world, he'd get mugged. She basically chases him around until she finds out he's a vampire. Not just any vampire, but a sparkling vampire. His family lives off of deer blood and stuff, which is lame. Really lame.

Human blood. The breakfast of champions Christopher Lee.

Anyway, Edward's relatives, who are a smidgen cooler than Edward in the fact that they drink real blood, make the movie better when they try to eat Bella. Sadly, Edward thwarts their awesome plan by saving Bella. Aw man. Oh, one thing I don't get is the fact that Edward can suck the vampire venom out of Bella when she is bitten. I thought we were dealing with vampires, not snakes. Golly-gee, this movie is so lame in the fact that they try to change thousands of years of vampire tradition. You can't do that, Stephenie Meyer.
4/10, and that's being generous.

By the way, check out http://www.angryalien.com/aa/twilightbuns.asp. It's awesome.

Угадайте, что, товарищи? ФИЛЬМ ОБЗОР ТРОЙНОЙ ФУНКЦИЯ!!!

Today I will review three movies at once. And now, without further ado...

"I have a reasonable doubt."

                                         12 Angry Men (1957)

 Alright, in this movie, 12 angry men (see what I did there?) are deciding the fate of a Puerto Rican youth accused of stabbing his father. The entire movie takes place in one jury room. In this room, the men sit, 11 of them feel that the boy is guilty. But one man, Henry Fonda, has a reasonable doubt. As the movie goes on, the evidence is revealed, and opinions change. I don't want to reveal too much, so I'll stop here. It is a must-see. 10/10

                                                          

            One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest (1975)

You may not know it, but this man is a rebellious rebel.

In this movie, Jack Nicholson is a brawling, fun loving guy who, in an effort to avoid the work farm, feigns insanity and is shipped off to a psychiatric ward ruled by the tyrannical Nurse Ratched, who never yells at or hits the patients, but is so... indifferent. She cares not about the happiness of the patients, but just that everything runs smoothly, like a machine. Anyway, Nicholson's character has fun with the patients, gambles with them for cigarettes, and rebels against Nurse Ratched. This movie is awesome, I loved it. 10/10

                                                                                                                                                           Paranormal Activity (2009)

In this movie, some newlyweds move into a house. Then, they encounter some paranormal activity (man, I'm on a roll!) and then it gets creepy. First, they're skeptical, then, it gets more and more severe.By the end, it's pretty scary. The movie is "Blair Witch" in a way because of the creepy documentary feel to it. I have to admit, I did jump maybe once. I'll give you the perfect setting for maximum movie experience.

"I want some lemons."

You will need:

• Dark. A lot of dark. Dim it down to where you say, "That's too dark." Then, make it darker.
• Friends (one sissy optional, but recommended)
• Fake knowledge of the supernatural, e.g. "Oh God. Demons always crave lemons."

Mix in one living room at around 75 degrees Fahrenheit. Let it sit in an even darker location for approximately 90 minutes. View and review credits (this is highly recommended for optimum laughter.) The next day, chat and enjoy. 7/10